Being a marriage and family therapist for so long has exposed me to a deep encyclopedia of love stories, which has truly helped me become very non-judgemental. This non-judgmentalness alone can be a gift for those who were born and bred in a black and white world of failure or success, where they anticipate, defend against and internalize judgement.
Relationships don’t always work out in the long run for a myriad of reasons. While being stupid could conceivably be one reason, I’ve never actually seen this as a valid, or real reason. Although, many people claim their stupidity when they feel shame and fear other’s judgement about their failed romantic attempts.
Exploring “why” relationships have failed can be sometimes much more empowering than the calm reassurance of one that is working just fine. It’s painful, emotional and exhausting to sift through what happened (the first time), or what happened (the second or third time), however, it can also be liberating and a conscious step towards personal freedom.
Understanding, reconciliation with yourself, your kids, and even your ex-partners about the past is also important for your health. Carrying around a burden of unprocessed grief and shame about your own perceived stupidity or deficits is exhausting. Moving towards a less burdened future is gift of love for yourself and could lead you towards a very fulfilling, successful partnership down the road.